“I started out with nothing. I still have most of it.” – Michael Davis

“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.” – Mae West

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” – Robert McCloskey

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?” – Stephen Wright

“Why can we remember the tiniest detail that has happened to us, and not remember how many times we have told it to the same person.” – François de la Rochefoucauld

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.” – Emo Philips

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” – Jack Handey

“The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” – Oscar Wilde

“I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” – Winston Churchill

“The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time” – Friedrich Nietzsche