Category: Quotes of the day

“‘Tis an ill wind that blows no minds.”

“The shortest distance between two points is under construction.”

“We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that …

“2 is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2.”

“In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything.”

“Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof.”

“Oh, I don’t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I’d be irresponsible, too.”

“I don’t really trust a sane person.”

“Rock and roll is the hamburger that ate the world.”

“An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attorney can delay one even longer.”

“Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.”

“My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.”

“Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.”

“How to Raise your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children”

“Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.”

“In democracy it’s your vote that counts; In feudalism it’s your count that votes.”

“There must be more to life than having everything.”

“Crime does not pay … as well as politics.”

“Wars teach us not to love our enemies, but to hate our allies.”

“Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.”

“The crux… is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing.”

“Blame someone else and get on with your life.”

“A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5×11 inch paper cannot be understood.”

“First secure an independent income, then practice virtue.”

“I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.”

“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.”

“I am not in this world to live up to other people’s expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine.”

“Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.”

“I’m thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.”

“There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed.”

“The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank.”

“Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.”

“The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.”

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.”

“A diplomat… is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.”

“It’s all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.”

“Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.”

“When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury …

“I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, “I wanna grow up and be a critic.””

“Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.”